


Confusion

by dsa_archivist



Category: due South
Genre: Drama, Gen, Series: Shaking Up the Precinct
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-09-05
Updated: 2000-09-05
Packaged: 2018-11-10 13:16:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,429
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11127717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dsa_archivist/pseuds/dsa_archivist
Summary: On sentry duty one day, Fraser contemplates his stormy love life.This story is a sequel toHow I Spent My Summer Vacation.





	Confusion

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Speranza, the archivist: this story was once archived at [Due South Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Due_South_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in June 2017. I tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [Due South Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/duesoutharchive).

Confusion

**STANDARD DISCLAIMER: All characters in this story, with the exceptions  
of Rachael Kowalski, Allie Mitchell, and Libby Walker, are the property  
of Alliance Films and Paul Haggis. This story is written solely for  
the enjoyment of the readers--no copyright infringement intended. However,  
we ask that you don't use Rachael, Det. Mitchell or Det. Walker in anything  
resembling slash. Thank you kindly!**

# Confusion

####  _By Black Magic Woman and Amaroq Wolf_

**_Series: SHAKING UP THE PRECINCT_**

_Lyrics are from "Elsewhere" by Sarah McLachlan._

_**Sorry to keep everyone waiting again over the summer--now that I'm back in school I have steady access to a computer and I should get the fanfic ball rolling!!! I hope you enjoy this piece!!!--BMW**_

______________________________________________________________________________________________ 

_I love the time and in-between  
The calm inside me _

In the space where I can breathe   
I believe there is a distance   
I have wandered   
to touch upon the years of   
reaching out and reaching in 

Holding out and holding in 

Constable Benton Fraser stood guard outside the Canadian Consulate. 

He couldn't believe the reason why Inspector Margaret Thatcher had put him on sentry duty that day. It wasn't his fault that Constable Brighton didn't act civil to the Chicago Police Commissioner the previous day. He had tried to set an exemplary example for the other Constables that day. Nonetheless, Thatcher had accused him of being remiss in his duties and put him on sentry duty this day and the next. 

Fraser put on a stone face for everyone to see, but he bristled inwardly at the absurdity of the accusation. _It was Brighton's own fault,_ he thought. 

His eyes strayed to a couple across the street. They were looking into a shop window, holding hands. The woman leaned her head on the man's shoulder, and the man turned his head and kissed the crease of her eye. The two seemed truly happy. 

_I believe this is heaven_   
to no one else but me   
And I'll defend it   
long as I can be   
left here to linger   
in silence if I choose to   
Would you try to understand 

Fraser's first instinct would have been to mentally chastise the couple for unchecked public display of private affection. As he studied the couple, however, he felt a sharp pang in his heart. He recognized it as envy. 

_I would give my right eye to have that kind of comfort and love that those two share right now,_ he thought. _They seem so happy...like nothing could ever come between them..._

"Ah, yes, I can remember the days with your mom, son." Fraser Sr. suddenly materialized next to his son. 

"It must have been something special," said Fraser. 

"It was indeed," said the deceased elder Fraser. "It still is." 

As Fraser Sr. lost himself in his reverie--most likely from the first time he saw Fraser's mother--Fraser was losing himself in his own train of thought. 

_Could it ever have happened with Victoria and me?_

His mind wandered back to the first time he saw Victoria... 

_There she was, practically frozen in the snow..._

Fraser recalled how he found Victoria huddled near Fortitude Pass, frozen half to death. He remembered how he kept her alive for three days, comforted her... 

_...made love to her..._

_...and then turned her in to the authorities._

Fraser winced as he remembered the look in Victoria's eyes as she was taken into custody. 

_The look of betrayal on her face...the anger in her eyes as she was being led away..._

Could I have let her go like that? Fraser asked himself. 

_Did I have a choice?_

Could I have let her go and lied to my superiors? 

"It was your duty, son." Fraser Sr. stood by his son. 

"I know, Dad." 

"Son, every criminal you turn in wins a victory for the people you live with." 

"I don't know, Dad. I'm beginning to think that in this case, it was a Pyrrhic victory." 

"I'm afraid you will never know that for certain, son." Fraser Sr. then disappeared. 

Fraser let out a frustrated sigh as he regained his posture and stared straight ahead. 

And remembered... 

_Victoria's return...she looked so beautiful..._

...the look of ecstasy on his face and on hers when she came back... 

...the way they ate...a flashback of how they ate all their food while they were stranded...the way they sublimated their sexual hunger... 

...and acted on it only moments later...it seemed so perfect... 

...then everything went horribly wrong. 

Fraser stiffened as he recalled everything that happened after that night. 

_His fight with Jolly, who died violently moments later...Victoria's confession..._

...finding out he and Ray had been framed...being arrested for Jolly's murder... 

Fraser recalled the events leading up to the catastrophe... 

_...searching Ray's house for the key to Victoria's chest so he could find the money so Ray could keep his house..._

...running after the train...Victoria's melodious voice calling after him... 

"Come with me!" 

...hearing only his breathing...her voice... 

"You'll regret it if you don't!" 

...fleeing the punishment inevitable after he stayed... 

...the leap onto the train...the sudden burst of sound... 

...the sudden excruciating pain in his lower back... 

...the realization that he'd been shot...his descent from the train... 

...lying in the hospital...aware of all the people he had betrayed... 

Fraser wiped away a tear at the memory that hit him next... 

_...On Windsor Street, at the crime scene...Victoria lying lifeless at the foot of the stairs...her neck broken..._

Could we have made it had she survived? he asked himself. _What was she doing here?_

What would have been Inspector Thatcher's reaction? 

With that question, Fraser's mind wandered elsewhere... 

_The hijacking of the Musical Ride...him and Thatcher on top of the train..._

...the critical moment of contact... 

Fraser felt a surge of adrenaline course through him, turning his cheeks red. 

_What exactly happened?_ he asked himself. _What possessed me to do that?_

He searched his mind for an answer. _Maybe I find the Inspector mildly attractive, but...for Christ sakes, she's my superior! Dating her would most likely prove extremely awkward._

_Besides,_ he thought, _I don't feel for her what she needs a man to feel for her._ He gazed across the street, but the couple had long since departed. _Not like I felt toward Victoria..._

...or like Francesca felt toward me... 

Fraser blushed furiously as he remembered that night when he got back to his apartment after being worked over by Frank Zuko's henchmen. Francesca Vecchio was waiting for him...with something up her sleeve... 

_Wait,_ thought Fraser, _that lingerie didn't have any sleeves!!!_

He blushed even harder as he remembered that moment when Francesca let her coat drop. 

_That piece she was wearing must have been painful,_ he thought as he recalled the leather-and-lace teddy that Francesca sported. _However, if I wasn't so incapacitated that night from that beating..._

A rush of blood swept through Fraser as he recalled his feelings. _She looked so beautiful..._

He looked down to find a rather embarrassing bulge in his jodhpurs. _Oh, dear,_ he thought. 

_Ray would have killed me,_ he thought. _He's very protective of his sisters._ He shifted his attention away from the memory. 

_It would never have worked out, anyway,_ Fraser thought. _And not just because of Ray, either. I just didn't have what she needed._

I hope she finds someone in the National Guard... 

When Fraser looked down, the bulge was gone. 

_Will I ever find someone to share my life with?_

"That's what I'm wondering," said Fraser Sr. as he rematerialized next to his son. 

"Dad," said Fraser through clenched teeth. 

"Well son, I'd like to see some grandchildren. I'm not getting any younger." 

"Well Dad, that's because you're dead." 

"That's what I keep hearing," said Fraser Sr. as he disappeared. 

Fraser let out a sigh as he looked across the street. _Either I want to wait, or they want to take it slow..._

Like Libby... 

Fraser found himself thinking about one of the new detectives at the 27th district, Detective Elizabeth Walker. 

_The way I first met her wasn't exactly orthodox, though..._

Fraser recalled the day he first met Walker...and the left hook he had received from her... 

_She was angry,_ though Fraser. 

He recalled later how the two spent over two hours talking in the break room that day... 

_...how Walker listened to his life story without yawning or rolling her eyes..._

...how she comforted him and understood his feelings when Victoria's body was found... 

Fraser suddenly felt his heart grow increasingly warmer as he thought about Walker. 

_...the sexual hunger that he felt toward her when Ray left to get lunch..._

...the tenderness of Walker's kisses... 

...the pleasantly different feeling he felt in Walker's arms... 

...how he missed that feeling... 

Fraser remembered how Walker had talked with him after the lady-killer had been put away. 

_I know this love is passing time_   
Passing through like liquid and   
I'm drunk in my desire 

But I love the way you smile at me   
I love the way your hands reach out   
and hold me near   
I believe... 

I believe this is heaven   
to no one else but me   
and I'll defend it   
long as I can be   
left here to linger   
in silence if I choose to   
Would you try to understand 

I was ready to put Victoria behind me, he thought. 

_...Libby didn't want to take chances, though..._

A question popped into Fraser's head, taking him by surprise but at the same time somewhat anticipated. 

**_Do you love Walker?_**

Fraser didn't know what to think. _Do I?_

Slowly, Fraser's mind wandered toward the memories of how he felt when he was with Walker. 

_It was almost like being with Victoria again,_ he thought. _But there was something else..._

It hit him. _Serenity. Security._

There wasn't any foreboding. 

With Victoria, I felt chained. 

With Libby, I felt liberated. 

Fraser remembered how Walker looked him in the eye during their talk. 

_Oh, the quiet child awaits the day_   
when she can break free   
the mold that clings like desperation 

Oh Mother, can't you see I've got   
to live my life the way I feel   
is right for me   
might not be right for you   
but it's right for me 

His memory strayed to the glimmer in her eye. 

_She felt that we were going too fast, but she didn't want to break up with me..._

Fraser focused on the glint in her eye. _That was hope,_ he thought. _She was hoping that I wouldn't be taken, that I'd still be here._

"She loves you, son." 

Fraser blinked. "What?" 

"Detective Walker. She loves you." 

"I know, Dad. I know." 

"So what's the matter?" 

"She doesn't know I'm over Victoria. She wants to wait until I am." 

"Well son, it would seem logical for you to make the first move since she seems hesitant to." Fraser Sr. then disappeared again. 

_I believe this is heaven_   
To no one else but me   
And I'll defend it   
long as I can be   
left here to linger   
in silence if I choose to   
Would you try to understand 

Fraser thought long and hard about what his father said. _Should I?_

**Do you love her?**

Yes, I do. But I don't want to hurt her. 

**She'll be even more hurt if you don't do anything.**

How will she know? 

**She'll know. Trust me.**

Fraser sighed. _Love is so confusing,_ he thought. 

His eyes strayed down the road, landing on Ray Vecchio's 1971 Buick Riviera. _Why is he coming here?_

Fraser suddenly remembered. Ray was taking him to his house for dinner that night. He smiled, since he enjoyed dining with Ray's family. 

Ray pulled up to the entrance to the Consulate as the clock struck five. Fraser's rigid posture slowly relaxed as he walked from his post and toward the car, where Detective Stan Kowalski was getting into the back seat so Fraser could have shotgun. 

"Hello, Ray," Fraser said as he climbed into the Riv. Ray and Stan both smiled--he had gotten used to calling Stan "Ray", which was his middle name, so they just both responded whenever Fraser used that name. 

"Hey, Benton buddy," said Stan. 

"How are you, Benny?" asked Ray. 

"I'm fine, thank you kindly." 

"You've been thinking about something," said Stan. 

"How can you tell?" said Fraser. 

"You got that look." 

"What is it?" Ray asked. 

"Woman trouble," said Fraser? 

"Who?" asked Stan. 

"Is it the Dragon Lady or GI Jane?" asked Ray. 

"Who's GI Jane?" asked Fraser. 

"Walker," Ray and Stan said in unison. 

"Oh." Fraser nodded. "'GI Jane', then." 

"What about Walker?" asked Stan. 

Fraser blushed suddenly. "I..." 

"Do you love her, Benny?" asked Ray. 

"I guess I do," said Fraser. He corrected himself. "No, I am absolutely certain. I love Walker." 

"So what's the trouble, Frase?" asked Stan. 

"She wants to give me space and time to get over Victoria." 

"So what's so bad about that?" Ray turned the car onto Octavia Avenue. 

"Nothing," said Fraser. "It's just I already have gotten over Victoria." 

"So Walker doesn't know this." 

"Exactly." 

"So tell her," said Stan. 

"How do I do that?" asked Fraser. 

"That is a tough one," said Stan. 

"Well, guys, we have before, during, and after dinner to talk it over," said Ray as he steered the Riv into the Vecchio driveway. "And I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving." 

Stan and Fraser laughed. They were hungry, too. 

"So Ray, how's Francesca? She send you anything yet?" 

"Got a letter from her yesterday." Ray opened his door and pulled his seat forward to let Stan out as Fraser exited from the other side. "She met a man in her battalion and they've been hitting it off pretty well." Ray winked at Fraser. "So I don't think you have to worry about Frannie hitting on you anymore, Benny. But she told me to tell you she says hi and wishes you luck in finding someone." 

"Tell her I said--" 

"Let me guess," said Stan. "'Thank you kindly.'" 

Ray and Fraser laughed. They knew it was the truth. 

"So how badly did Francesca hit on you, Frase?" asked Stan. 

"I think you better let me fill you in on that part, Stan," said Ray as the three walked up to the door to Ray's house. 

THE END 

Copyright 2000 by Black Magic Woman and Amaroq Wolf \----------------------------------------------------------------------- 

All raves and flames are to be directed to and \--we await your feedback! (No otters, please!) 

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